love in retrograde.

To call you a whirlwind would be an understatement
I was swept up faster than any broom and dust pan interaction
As a felt a more than fatal attraction
my reaction
was equivalent to walking face first into concrete
Yet being pleasantly surprised by how much you enjoyed it
I am scared
I am scared
I am scared
of the butterflies you give me
because I thought the ones that were in there before had found a way out
or fossilized
I criticized them
for being gone
but they weren't
as I feel them come alive
every time the creases around your mouth paint dimples
and your grin spreads like light from the sunrise
making the sky turn from filtered shade
to stained glass
it was so fast
Like knocking the wind out of myself
as I fell
reminding me of my sixth grade kickball team
except this time
I actually got something out of it
My heart began to edit short you and me movies
of adventures we'd make
out on unknown lakes
or baking cakes
or making the best mistakes
you make me feel like taking a risk to live
because I've always colored in the lines
but I'm ready to make them disappear
wishing you were here
at my side
wishing distance would abide
to love at first sight
because even if there was the slightest chance it might
My dreams of the kiss I regretted not stealing the moment I met you
might come true
though it might've been kind of weird for a stranger to kiss you for no reason
If I could rewind
take back time
I'd walk up after a wave
like a sultry pantomime
I wouldn't say hello
I wouldn't let you know who I am
except for the red in my hair
and the clap of my heels on the wood floor
"J'adore"
I'd whisper
pretending to know French
though I don't, to any extent
I'd aim to impress
searching for success
in your eyes
silently saying
luck is a lady and she could be yours
as I sit down next to you
never leaving baby blues
as I stare
gaze never leaves
den of theives
and I go in for the most magical unspoken meeting
of rose-stained lips
then we go back to witty quips
and with that
regrets would never exist
I wish
that you would meet me in my dreams tonight
though you don't live where I might
It could be love at second sight
It could be love again tonight
as I start to think I'm sick of it
as I start to complain of this heartsick shit
as I start force pairs that will never fit
I quit on love
I quit on fits
I quit on lonely
I quit on this
then you walk into my life
and all I can think is
Shit
I got myself right back into it
Because you might think you've quit
when in reality
you're in the middle of it
Thinking you're moving on
moving forward
when in reality
the footprints are in front of you
as you move backward
Love in retrograde***

Paranormal Activity

I have never been more proud of myself
than the day I successfully avoided crapping my pants
while watching my first horror movie
These hollywood creations
build a media Frankenstein
over paranormal proxy
that repeats plots and characters
until you've watched the same movie eight times
I should know this
and yet I am the most fun to watch
as I squirm and whimper in my chair
thinking "why did you go in there?"
Hiding in a grave might be kind of stupid
thinking that chainsaw murder should never be shown in 3D
I rock back and forth
and hope you realize I did it all for you
My heart's got Paranormal Activity around you
Because I would willingly watch children's souls get eaten
to be in the same room as you
Because even if you have to bring Freddy and Jason along
on a date
I'd gladly hold your hand
so you'd have a running mate
I would scream
making cheesy camera shots
saying "hello? hello? hello?"
over and over again
hoping that the killer might
say hi and ask how I'm doing
Instead of slashing me with a rake
I would endure ketchup goop
dribbling down my face
for one sticky kiss
before I go
then you'd get eaten by Kujo
we'd had a good run though
till the last minute
Electricity
in that paranormal activity
or maybe we'd last
in huge body casts
talking about how we met over murders
and receiving flowers and cards
from Hannibal himself
describing the body parts on his shelf
that he'll soon dine on
with some fava beans and a nice chianti
and I'd bust out of my bodycast
become a badass
wielding a gun
 have my old name undone
and changed to Clarice
as I kick down doors
defying horror movie whores
and never being the first to die
and 28 days later
you'll say you Saw into my heart like Jigsaw
and found your Final Destination
because my Descent
didn't cause my femur to jut out of my knee
straight up bloody and gory
but I did fall head over heels to my doom
trapped in a room
with my bloody valentine
Your love is Insidious
as you tiptoe through the window
and even if we both end up in a demon's home movie
I'll be glad you're with me
like Velma and Shaggy
wish you knew that you had me
Because when you're around
I've got an irregular heartbeat
Paranormal Activity
and even though these movies end badly
I won't let you and me*

Blue Eyed Beauty

He was the blue eyed beauty of a generation
cleansing grunge
with his raspy rants and lyrical lies
He hid behind yellow braid possibilities
and little bags of pixie dust
that cost him more than he could pay
one day he didn't wake up
the world knew him for teen spirit
that would now be all that was left of him
as his Peavey amp static
spoke for him at the funeral
books of handwritten prayers
lay on apartment carpet
reminded of him in vain
who knew Nirvana meant heart drain
and cocaine
and love pain
and blood stain
and Cobain
He was the blue eyed beauty of a generation
After he crossed the threshold
no one could shut up about his perfect smile
while no one said anything about it
on the day to day
He was a soccer star
and honor roll hero
and popular with the ladies
like any other jock
walking halls in socks and Adidas sandals
on game day
he hid behind high school fame
he hid behind a name
he hid behind the very picket fence on his face
straight
fake
then his roommate entered the dorm
after a long day
swung open the door handle
noticing it was cold
on his hand
then he looked up
and so was the rest of him
because there he was
the blue eyed beauty
heart drain
love pain
blood stain
in vain
dangling from
broken dreams and unsaid prayers
as he only saw himself through circus mirrors
flawed
back turned by God
as everyone else hears the same damn
Peavey static
emotional attic
where light reaches its limit
We lift candles like it's all we can do
though none of them hold a candle to you
because the wax drips down
and we realize how much
we lock up
by not saying anything
because even though that wax seems passive
it stings like acid on your skin
as you let secrets drip down and
do the same
choosing not to say
choosing empty days
choosing walking death
aspirit breath
before you shut away
'I love you's remember
He was the blue eyed beauty
outside high school fame
inside Kurt Cobain
Don't judge the book by its cover
it's never the same
as the unspoken prayers
fill lines and pages
decomposition in different stages
hardbacks still crack
as blank sheets
fall out like a sign of surrender
Remember
He was the blue eyed beauty**

YOLO

You make me want to wear bright yellow
thinking I should walk down the street
catching eyes like I've got killer bait on the end of my hook
turning heads as if I were some kind of
natural disaster
I wish this would move faster
because precautions make me banter
on how fearlessness is my life
I don't have a basement for emergency shelter
No.
I don't have a food supply.
No.
I don't have a boat to paddle out should New Mexico flood.
No.
I don't carry cautious crap because I am fearless as a Wright brother
defying laws that could kill me
at least if I die
I'll land in the sky
and the stars won't ask why
they'll just move so that I can take my place
I am fearless like a firefighter
running up flights of stairs
knowing about country affairs
dying for the free land they share
for people who, the day before, didn't care
I am fearless
because tomorrow isn't mine
there's no plan to assign
because when I go to sleep
I evaluate
whether I filled my plate
or showed my lesser traits
or made my life sedate
I won't settle for a Left for Dead life
walking through with no purpose
waiting to die
No.
I will be the one who created it
not talking YOLO shit
because I'm no two-bit hypocrite
because why would I waste time
doing something that reiterates self-hate
when I could be first-rate
change the world by my breath intake
and each work I spit will inflate
the flat
so you'll know just where I'm at
I'm not sitting where you sat
because I leave my own footprints on
white sands everyday
I'm not afraid of the mark
I'll leave when I walk past
Don't need to keep my pimp hand strong
when I know my mind's impact
rhymes intact
max syntax
you wish that
you heard that
but I'm like the flash
words so fast you didn't even
see them hit the wall
acoustically
as you live your life stupidly
drowning sorrows in death wishes
live
not because Drake told you to
live
stop trying so hard and just do
live
because you know it too
you keep saying YOLO
but living starts with you*

Currency

I wish I was more than a lucky penny
that you stick in your pocket and forget about
because nothing is worth just one penny
I continue to burn a hole in your pocket
with your blue Bic lighter
every time you're tempted to let that penny sit
while you spend paper and accumulate more change
change for the poor
change for the broke
change for a coke
change for a smoke
you'll play quarters
till you're cornered with that copper Lincoln
dirty; so you're afraid to know
where it's been
ever wonder why we don't look at people the way we look at currency?
and currently
I sit in your thin charred pocket
currently
I sit in your version of a porcelain girl's locket
currently
I stare across the wallet at a copper face that's been
more places than me
New pennies are overrated
Because their sheen only means they're naive
about how it feels to be spent
to pay a bohemian rent
with no shame that you pay in change
because it's still monetary
though it doesn't seem necessary
you never pay with change
and you carry it like baggage
when I'm the bottom of the bag beggar
that's not begging you to spend
I just want you to see
that nothing's worth me*

I could be happy.

I wish you were my Saturday night

That I could learn how to do this right

Because I have only ever known love half-baked

No one went to the trouble to fully cook the cake

Unless it was Mary Jane in the kitchen

And he was the one who ate

Because he’d rather take her on dates

Not me

I don’t see

Pretty

Anymore

Because I have to wonder why I was second on the list

I don’t want that to exist

I want to be free

I want you to want me

Cheap trick

I’m lovesick

And lonely

Which sounds pathetic

But true

Because I have a morbid kind of wanting

A missing piece

I don’t feel desperate

I need release

I need a two hour conversation

A fortune cookie sign

For stars to align

To get your heart with mine

Because I know you get that way too

When you sit in student union pews

By yourself

I know that you wonder why

No one tries

To know you

I want to

I just don’t know if you want me to

If you know who

I really am

And I wonder what it’d be like

If today was my only lifespan

Like a housefly

Would I

Would I

Say what I need to say

Act on what I pray

Because telling you anything

Is scarier than any horror movie

Even though those freak me out

It’s been so long since I’ve been happy

In someone’s arms

Because more often than not

There are more someone elses

Than someones

I still haven’t found one

But I think that it might be you

Even though everyone doesn’t want me to

I think I could be happy in your arms

And write bad poetry

Comtemplating you and me

Like I’m doing right now

The right kind of confusion

The dreams I see you in

I just hope you’d want that as much as me

The lucky star that 7 am sees

The way you talk to me at 2 am

I wasn’t asking them

I’m asking you

If you’d see it through

I could be happy in your arms**

Politic Sick

This poem is not meant to stir up trouble, however, I do feel that it does address important thoughts and opinions (that I fully own up to) in this current election season.

I am shriveled up on a page
knowing more than I should for my age
as my words lay lifeless
getting to the ballpoint
and the holepunched tree shed
makes its own bed
in 3 rings
I sit in a binder full of women
pushed there by the men's pen
because he claims its glory
inviting stories
Lord knows when he says agenda
he means everything except
an elementary calendar
Because I should know
I should know
I should know
my place
squeezed between others
in crowded kitchens
because the world's greatest minds
are sent to solve the sandwich shortage
potbelly politics
Hell, if opinion mattered
Budweiser would be on the ballot
because according to what's deemed constitutional concensus
My life is to be a wife
My life is to cook a meal
My life is to be a womb
yet control that too
to make something biologically impossible in me
deny motherhood
because I should just know
There's so much I should know
though no one's ever told me
Because my freedom is built on broken promises
Who I am governed to be
is determined by a pair of double d's
Because so quickly
Rosie the Riveter represents a joke
as we're given the choice between Playboy exploits or
hair curlers and a terry cloth cloak
Because in all of this,
who listens to a lady?
Because a woman's vote is 20
While a man's vote is 80
Right?
Or am I wrong about that?
Republican or Democrat
I refuse to vote for
someone who thinks I'm only worth what's in my pants
Because all of it, in any sense, is about who's screwed
whether it's them or you
I put my mouth where my money is
In God We Trust
unless they change that too
Ignorance or bust
Because as honest as I can be
on my opinions on democracy
the lesser of two evils is all I see
as I watch an argument of small children
Reality TV
as I channel flip to The Osbournes
so at least the bicker will be more entertaining
It's draining
I am politic sick
needing education vaccination
 a prescription to know more than I should
description of a world without good
So I'll exercise my voting right
since it's all I have
not sure what I'll be marking
sure about who I am
though to them I'm a number; part of a plan
when they ask why I'm fed up
Under breath
I'll say "At least I'm not a man"***

Someone Else

I am embarassed
by each clump of words I stumble over
they gather together in the sidewalk
like mechanisms to purposely trip me up
and I fall
I fall
I fall
quicker than I ever should
the wind is knocked out of me
I don't know who to be
I don't know who you see
but I do know I finally see
that I wish someone would write me
eventually
I wish there would be poems in my name
I'd have a claim to fame
that I could have someone to care
and abandon their shame
but so far
I just feel pretty lame
wanna chow down on some chocolate chips
I know it's 1 a.m. but I'm on netflix
I've only been thinking about this for weeks then something clicks
This sucks
and I could've avoided it
I feel stupid to the core
I feel as asinine as Jersey Shore
in all of my fist pumping glory
I feel like a Barbie doll bore
I have deplored every tactic to win you over
I wished on every four leaf clover
I was cliche as a game of red rover
I. Feel. Stupid.
and I'll drown myself in double dates with
Ben & Jerry
and I'll sing along to Silly Songs with Larry
It's scary
how you can get when all you really want
is for someone else
to write the poetry
with yourself on the other side
I just want to laugh despite my pride
Don't want to think of how much I've cried
Really I just want a hug
I just want a prince
I'm tired of frogs
I'm tired of this
I'm sick of losing
Can I be winning?
Charlie Sheen
The other girls take what they want because they're just mean
I don't have the capacity
I don't like confrontation
I just want to cuddle
and watch Disney animation
I want to swing dance
I want Moulin Rouge romance
I want to write poems and read Ginsberg
I want to make jokes about the Titanic iceberg
I want to laugh because we both never get sick of David after the Dentist
But all I really want is interest
Because it really seems like I must be the most uninteresting troll
You skip over my name when you're taking roll
My vote doesn't count when you're taking a poll
It's like you see the sky and then you see a hole
Because I sunk in
I'm sullen
I won't win
until I unglue my eyes from the computer screen
write something I really mean
until I quit being obscene
'cause this is me
scary
when all I want
is for someone else to write the poetry.