Paranormal Activity

I have never been more proud of myself
than the day I successfully avoided crapping my pants
while watching my first horror movie
These hollywood creations
build a media Frankenstein
over paranormal proxy
that repeats plots and characters
until you've watched the same movie eight times
I should know this
and yet I am the most fun to watch
as I squirm and whimper in my chair
thinking "why did you go in there?"
Hiding in a grave might be kind of stupid
thinking that chainsaw murder should never be shown in 3D
I rock back and forth
and hope you realize I did it all for you
My heart's got Paranormal Activity around you
Because I would willingly watch children's souls get eaten
to be in the same room as you
Because even if you have to bring Freddy and Jason along
on a date
I'd gladly hold your hand
so you'd have a running mate
I would scream
making cheesy camera shots
saying "hello? hello? hello?"
over and over again
hoping that the killer might
say hi and ask how I'm doing
Instead of slashing me with a rake
I would endure ketchup goop
dribbling down my face
for one sticky kiss
before I go
then you'd get eaten by Kujo
we'd had a good run though
till the last minute
Electricity
in that paranormal activity
or maybe we'd last
in huge body casts
talking about how we met over murders
and receiving flowers and cards
from Hannibal himself
describing the body parts on his shelf
that he'll soon dine on
with some fava beans and a nice chianti
and I'd bust out of my bodycast
become a badass
wielding a gun
 have my old name undone
and changed to Clarice
as I kick down doors
defying horror movie whores
and never being the first to die
and 28 days later
you'll say you Saw into my heart like Jigsaw
and found your Final Destination
because my Descent
didn't cause my femur to jut out of my knee
straight up bloody and gory
but I did fall head over heels to my doom
trapped in a room
with my bloody valentine
Your love is Insidious
as you tiptoe through the window
and even if we both end up in a demon's home movie
I'll be glad you're with me
like Velma and Shaggy
wish you knew that you had me
Because when you're around
I've got an irregular heartbeat
Paranormal Activity
and even though these movies end badly
I won't let you and me*