Queen.

I am the queen of the friend zone

I am Watts from Some Kind of Wonderful

I am Goofy to Mickey and Minnie Mouse

I am Duckie Dale to Andie Walsh

(that’s from Pretty in Pink, by the way, and if you haven’t seen it you’re a certifiable shithead)

And I only know that reference because

I spend my weekends on dates

With Jake Ryan, Lloyd Dobbler, and Ferris Bueller

I am the kind of girl who’s a great listener

But not in the Labrador dog kind of way

I’ll memorize everything about you

From your traumatic 5^th grade hair cutting incident

To the pattern of your lucky boxers

And at the end of the conversation

I’ll go in for a big hug and

You’ll punch me in the arm

And say

Thanks friend, you’re so great friend, I’m so glad I have I have friend like you, friend

And then I’ll jump on my bed re-enacting Taylor Swift’s music video for you belong with me

I’ll watch Titanic in 3D

I’ll have a threesome with Ben & Jerry

And then I’ll go back again tomorrow

Even though

You’ve highlighted my name

In my neon yellow shame

As “the friend”

Because you have defined me just like Lizzie McGuire defined Gordo

You have defined me like a cat in a dog show

Because to you I am

The girl who pays for your food, tells you you’re rude

Practically dresses you and acts like a dude

And yet you strategically pigeon hole

And look right past me toward a false goal

You can kick that soccer ball but honey

You’re kicking it to the wrong team

Because she is way out of your league

And so am I

Even though you see me as a bro

I don’t want to fart with you, ok?

That’s never been fun to me

I hate playing Halo

Because I have to concentrate

And sometimes I feel like

You’re the one who menstruates

Because your male-pattern mood swings

Drive me up the wall

Because I could name each girl by complaint

I’ve heard it all

Because you don’t even see how much I tolerate

Each time you verbally masturbate

By saying the same thing over and over and over again

Because it makes YOU feel good

Newsflash! The rest of us just think you’re disgusting

Because you refuse to let it go

And look at what’s right in front of you

I may not be boobless blondie

But try, for once, to see what I can be

Because I have been loyal to you when you weren’t to me

If you read off my resume

You’d find a perfect compliment to your theory

And I as I run into your arms

While it rains

Under a sunset

In Puerto Rico

On a Wednesday

With the wind in our hair

And you’re a little taller than me

And your facial hair’s growing out

And you look a little more like Johnny Depp than usual

You’ll pick me up

And kiss me and we’ll run away happily

Despite the fact that

None of this can happen because before we even touch

A force field would knock me to the ground

Because I am locked out

By the friend zone

So I’ll be here on my own

And hope that you find some other pals to cry to

As for me, I’ve got a hot date with Anthony Michael Hall and a cannoli

And I’ll rule proudly from my throne

As you whine and you drone

And I’ll continue to spend Friday nights alone because honestly

I don’t know why I wanted to be with you in the first place.