5 things.

5 things no one told me before I left for college

5. No one told me that the bathroom is no longer a private affair, everyone knows that you’re in there, so always be aware and if you can, light a freaking match. Because everyone can hear all of those un-lady-like drums, to the girl who was in the stall on Thursday night…you need some TUMS. I got some in room 212, I’ll hook it up. Because everyone who walks in knows when the nacho platter did not agree with you and as you walk out in shame, we know it’s you. So yes…do what you need to but febreeze that shit before you quit.

 4. No one told me that some people say they want to wait, but the health office lays it all out on a plate with a lovely condom buffet all for the glamorous price of free as long you stay safe and try not to wake your roommate. There was nothing as glorious as the moment I took my first one from like that big punch bowl and scared the crap out of the lady behind the counter because at first I wanted to grab a handful and walk up to her little window and begin quoting Juno by saying they make my boyfriend’s junk smell like pie you know but I restrained and took one single contraceptive and scrapbooked it for posterity because yes, my children will want to know the temptation I had that day.

3. No one told me that in high school it’s the greatest moment of your life when you get asked out by a senior but in college you might have to card your date. Super Senior doesn’t mean he’s someone superb who succeeds it means he’s someone who’s old enough to be your dad and knows your naïve and will gladly take you out even though he’s 40 and you’re 18. Even though his favorite movie is Robocop and it’s no coincidence that he loves anything by Woody Allen. Don’t let his cut off shorts fool you because he still lives with his mom and plans student events, he sits in the basement and never pays rent. When his pick up lines are fifteen years behind the times you’ll see that you don’t want to go to a movie and sit on grandpa’s lap.

2. No one told me that the past presidents of the itty bitty titty committee had been popular throughout high school because the boys didn’t know what they were getting themselves into and now they think they’re ready to move on to those double D’s with double ease and they think they’re smooth as nacho cheese when really the way they move their hands is about as romantic is tuning a radio. Because you see them lurking on the couches with their girl with an expression like unhooking a bra is an algorithmic process that Einstein himself couldn’t solve and they think they’re doing you a favor when in actuality they love boobs because they are squishy bags of fat and you are not enjoying yourself in the least.

1. No one told me not to wear my good Sunday dress to a frat party. It was like getting my ass slid across the glass window countertop at target by each guy I came across and then getting put in the bag ready to take home for later. Bam! I was checked out. It was a continual repeat of a Joey Tribiani pick-up: how you doin? How you doin? How you doin? Because in college, it’s all about the hourglass and that sassy class and the babies who got back till you don’t know the names of the people you’re dancing with but most of them look like Will Smith back when he was on the Fresh Prince except with some nasty facial hair and some pimples here and there but just as soon as you think it’s time to take a break and you sit on the bricks outside and watch a basketball fake…SLAM DUNK! You just got hit in the face and your nosebleed is loving that white fabric, it’s just soaking it up and where’s Will Smith to help you before the freaking fabric stains? He’s inside with another booty and you are the girl with the killer nosebleed. These are the things no one told me and I don’t even know how much longer the list will get or what to think because this is only the first week.